I will be the first to tell you I am an over the top kind of person. There are not many things I do on the low key. I am loud, straight forward, and at times to quick to jump. I am slow to anger when it comes to things you do to me. I am more out to jump when my family or friends are attacked or hurt. I am sure of who I am and what is in my heart. I do not feel I need to prove myself to anyone or I do not feel the need to defend myself. I do have a heart and it does hurt from time to time. I do not show or share that with everyone-----so if you have seen it you are one of the few. That has been something I have been working on over the last year.
God says to wait on HIM. He has been telling me to rest in HIM. That HE will have to last word. I have done all I can do to keep quite about the whole lot of this stuff except for two people I vent to. One of which I just got the phone with (and I really hate it when you are right). I know what need to do. Why I don't do those things is beyond me. I reckon I now understand Paul in--'Romans 7:15 I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate.' Not that I have done anything yet but I feel it there and am trying my best to die to the flesh. I feel like I'm in a whirlwind sometimes. I have to lose control of myself and let God but that is about the scariest thing to me----to not have control of myself. Now this is were my trust and faith lay-----if I trust God loves me----then HE will work it out for good. So, do I trust enough to let God have total control?
Galatians 6:9And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. This screams to me but to very honest I am so tired. I want it all just to go away. I am tired of doing good, tired of hurting, and tired of seeing the hurt in others. I'm tired of trying to get understanding of what my mind just cannot grab. I'm ready to walk on and let the wound heal with no more salt being dumped in. I was told 'Florida was not the answer'. I know in many ways this is right but it is also the one place I feel truly loved for who and what I am. It is the one place where I feel the closest to God. I guess that is why it is my answer---I want to run home.
I know, Lord------This to shall pass but I really need to see a little of you in it all.
God says to wait on HIM. He has been telling me to rest in HIM. That HE will have to last word. I have done all I can do to keep quite about the whole lot of this stuff except for two people I vent to. One of which I just got the phone with (and I really hate it when you are right). I know what need to do. Why I don't do those things is beyond me. I reckon I now understand Paul in--'Romans 7:15 I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate.' Not that I have done anything yet but I feel it there and am trying my best to die to the flesh. I feel like I'm in a whirlwind sometimes. I have to lose control of myself and let God but that is about the scariest thing to me----to not have control of myself. Now this is were my trust and faith lay-----if I trust God loves me----then HE will work it out for good. So, do I trust enough to let God have total control?
Galatians 6:9And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. This screams to me but to very honest I am so tired. I want it all just to go away. I am tired of doing good, tired of hurting, and tired of seeing the hurt in others. I'm tired of trying to get understanding of what my mind just cannot grab. I'm ready to walk on and let the wound heal with no more salt being dumped in. I was told 'Florida was not the answer'. I know in many ways this is right but it is also the one place I feel truly loved for who and what I am. It is the one place where I feel the closest to God. I guess that is why it is my answer---I want to run home.
I know, Lord------This to shall pass but I really need to see a little of you in it all.
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