A dark place

Have you been in a dark room? You know…so dark you can't see your hand in front of your face? Even if you are grown, it's a scary place to be. A room with no light. Your mind starts to wonder, your ears start to hear noises you know are not there. You may even think you feel someone or something in the room with you. The next thing you know your heart is pounding. You may start to sweat. Your not sure to run or wait it out. You just want to see some light. It's a feeling no one likes. There are times life feels this way. As you grow, you find yourself in different rooms of life. The growing room…where we grow from babies, to children, to teens, to young adults, to middle age, and to seasoned adults. There's the learning room…mostly school, we usually can't wait to get out of that room. The play room…we try to always live here. That's the room with no stress, no bills, no jobs, just playing whatever we want to play, not a care in the world. The waiting room…yep, we're waiting. Waiting for a phone call, a job interview, paperwork, the bell to ring, a doctor, a friend, a child, a parent………just waiting. There are many rooms of life, but what about the dark room? People don't like to talk much about that room. It's dark, it's scary, it's lonely and it's not much fun. The dark room is that place in life where you just don't know what to do next. A place where you feel like you have given your all and still fall short. You know there should be change, you know something needs to change but how do you bring change? The dark room, where sometimes you run to and sometimes you get thrown into it. The place were you want to scream and kick but you're not sure just at what. The dark room where you wonder where everyone is. Are you alone? Does anyone care that your there? Have others been here too? How do you get out? Is it even safe to come out? Is God here? You haven't spoke to Him in so long, so you really don't know. You know He still loves you and yet you feel so alone. The dark room, a place you fight so hard to stay out of and yet here you are. Lately, I feel like I am in the dark room. Some days I walked in here and some days I feel thrown in. Either way, here I am. The loss of a friend, the loss of a fur baby, life changing at all ends, a marriage stuck………………the feeling of trying to get free of this dark place and yet it grips you stronger. So much going on in the inside. How do I let go and let God? How do I pray when it feels like my words hit the ceiling and fall back on me? In my weakness…………where do I fall? How do I fall? How do I let go? What is right? What is wrong? How do I walk in Christ when I'm not sure I can walk at all right now. The dark room………………

Control

For much of my life I have done my best to stay in control of myself. There are only a couple of times I have not been in control of 'me' that I can remember. Those couple of times I did not view them as good things that happened.
Only once, that I can remember, have I been so mad I saw red. The anger I felt that day scared me. Anger overwhelmed me and I felt out of control. At one point I really thought I could have killed the person I was angry at. I realized that day I never wanted to be this angry and out of control again.
I can't ever remember crying out of control. Crying meant weakness to me and weakness meant I could be hurt. I have only been drunk 3 times in my life but even then I was not so far gone that I didn't have some kind of control of what I was doing or saying.
Not that I could control what happened to me, just in control of how I reacted to what happened. Being in control of 'Paula' has always felt safe; being out of control felt unsafe, uneasy, bad, and scary. So I built a wall, you could say, around my heart. I kept things and people an arm's reach away. I didn't always show my pains or hurts to avoid that 'out of control' feeling.
With all that said I am happy to report on Dec. 28th I lost my mind!!! I had taken all I could take! Years of keeping control, years of hiding my heart, years of holding my tears went right out the door. I cried, I screamed, I hollered, I cussed, I let it ALL go! I even shocked myself and I'm sure I shocked the person with me. It was almost like I was having an out of body moment. I knew I was the one doing all this and yet I couldn't believe it was me. I had lost control and it felt GREAT and scary all at the same time. That night I started to pray but all I could do was cry. I cried like I have never cried before. I tried to stop but I couldn't. It felt so freeing to let the tears go. To let it all out; the anger, the words, the tears, the pain. Oddly, it felt so lively, so real, so wow!
I am also happy to report that even at the time and the next day things seemed different, nothing BAD happened. For the first time being out of control was not bad in my mind. There are times when you just have to let it all out...........and let God pick up the pieces. Through that whole thing I could feel my Papa holding me, telling me to let it all go. He even sent my friend to call me the next day so she could help me get every bit of it out. (By the way, if you are reading this.....THANK U!) God showed me so much that day and the days following and I wish I had words to explain it all but I'm not sure I do. I'm not even sure why I am writing this but someone out there needs to know..........It's ok to lose control........maybe that someone is you.......maybe that someone is me.

Special Needs

I have worked as an educational assistant in the school system where I live for 5 years now. For 4 years I have worked with students with learning disabilities. This is my 3td year in a high school, having a learning disability myself, I can really relate to these students. The first year in the high school I had to be tough. Setting boundaries and keeping them set, that way the students knew what I would and would not do. The second year was a little more relaxed because I knew the students better and they knew me. I was looking forward to working with a group of students in their junior year of high school. Not long ago they were the freshmen I had to be so tough with.

A week before school was to start I got an early morning phone call from the principal telling me she was moving me into the Life Skill room. SHOCKED was an understatement! My first thought was "Why?" A question to which the only answer was "I fit the building", whatever that means. I got off the phone and was upset to say the least. I thought about all the work I had done with some students. I thought about all the teachers I enjoyed woking with. I thought about how I hated to be trapped in ONE room all day. I thought about PAULA, PAULA, PAULA and I cried for the things I would miss.

Now, in case you don't know, Life Skills is students with special needs or multiple handicaps. As I started the year I was doing my best to put a smile on my face and go on with life. The first day of school was hard because I wanted to be in the halls. I wanted to see all the students from the last 2 years I had worked with. I wanted to see how they had grown and what kind of summer they had. I didn't want to be trapped in this room! If I can be real........I didn't WANT to be changing diapers or wiping someone's face because they drool. I wanted to be where I thought I can make a difference in someone's life.

As the days passed, I went to work and did the best job I could do. Still not wanting to be there, even if the teacher and other assistant were happy to have me. I wanted to like it but the truth is........I didn't. There were moments I laughed, moments we had had fun and I have to say I never knew what was going to happen so I'm not bored. My heart just wasn't in there. One day I prayed about it. I said "Lord, why am I in this room?" I heard Him speak to me heart and this is what He said "Does it matter why you are here?" I thought, "I guess not" and the days went by. I watched the other assistant, she is so sweet. She loves all the students in there and it shows. She speaks so sweet, so loving to one student when we have to change diapers. The love just beams off her and I say in my heart "I want that kind of love for this student". Then one day I hear my Papa say to me..... "Do all things as unto me. These are my children, take care of them, for I love them so". Sitting in church on Sunday He reminds me of Matthew 25:34-40...........When we do for one of God's children, we do for God. As I love the "special" students....I am loving God. As I touch the face of the student that doesn't talk or walk, I touch God's face. As I show love to them, I show love to God.

There are still days that some of the things I have to do in the room are hard for me and times I feel silly talking to someone that I'm not even sure that can hear. Yet, still I hear Matthew 25:34-40 in my heart. I hear my Papa say "love these students because I am especially fond of them". So I stopped thinking about Paula and started loving Papa. I don't think the love beams off me like my friend but everyday that is my goal..........To let the love of Jesus beam through me of all people.

New Eyes

Today is Friday! A day I look forward to every week. A day that no matter what happens I smile because I have 2 days of NO time clock! A day that use to mean 'jean day' a little thing that made so many happy. This Friday started like all the rest. I hit the snooze button many times, until I had to get up. I got my coffee(a little joy in the morning), let the dogs out and feed them, and showered. The kids were up and moving, all was well in the Nelson house. Yet, as I dressed I did not look forward to coming to work. I felt a heaviness come upon me,that I have to say I can't stand! I did not look forward to seeing some that I would much rather slap. The fakeness, rudeness, and the cloud of unhappiness that seems to hover here. I didn't pray. I didn't read. I just got dressed. As I was clocking in I was talking with a beautiful friend that said she had read Titus 3 this morning and it had helped her see through new eyes. So, I went to read it. It starts with " Remind the people to be subject to rules and authorities, to be obedient....." to be honest I STOPPED right there. That was not what I wanted to read this morning. My friend said read on you will get it. Later, I read on. It talks about how 'once we, too, were foolish and disobedient'. It goes on to say "4But—“When God our Savior revealed his kindness and love,5 he saved us, not because of the righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He washed away our sins, giving us a new birth and new life through the Holy Spirit.6 He generously poured out the Spirit upon us through Jesus Christ our Savior. 7 Because of his grace he declared us righteous and gave us confidence that we will inherit eternal life.” 8 This is a trustworthy saying, and I want you to insist on these teachings so that all who trust in God will devote themselves to doing good. These teachings are good and beneficial for everyone" I stopped right in my tracks. I thought about this for awhile. I was once lost, hateful, foolish and disobedient(and to be honest I still struggle with the last two) but Jesus never gave up, walked away, or stopped loving me. He has brought me a LONG way from where I was or who I could have been. Even though I have a hard time with those in authority of where I work I have to trust in the one that saved me. I have to put my faith in Him. I have to pray for those people in stead of dreaming about the day they fall. I have to find the good in something or the injustice will eat away at me. Yep I have to see things with new eyes. The eyes of Jesus who tells me almost everyday....."Hurting people hurt others".

So if you are reading this and are a praying person, please remember me. That I will see through the eyes of Jesus.

Views

I love the game of softball! In the last couple of years I have been very blessed to be around the game in many ways again. As a player, umpire, an asst.coach and a scorekeeper. I have found that in each one I see a different view of the same game. Depending on what I am doing, will change my view of the game.

As a player of the game I am looking for the weak spots. Playing the game the best I can to win. Having fun for the most part. There are times I lose my cool and let my temper get the best of me. There are times I wish I had a "do-over" to swing at a better pitch or just walk away from the ugly talk that goes on.

As an umpire, I do my best to call the game as I see it. Holding up the rules and making the best calls I can make. Sometimes I blow a call but I always intend to do my best. There are teams I really like and some I dread when they come on my field. There are a lot of things that you have to tune out. Things you have to rise above and not take them to heart. There is always that one player that wants to see you jump so you always have to be ready for the ball to come your way.

As an asst. coach my goal is to pass on the love and fun of the game and all the life lessons this game had taught me. The biggest joy is not if we have a win but to watch the girls grow and get better in every game. To see the girl who has never hit to finally reach 1st., to see the catch not dropped, the first stolen base, and to see a group of girls become a team. To hear the girls cheer from the dugout is like music to my ears. Next to playing, I think it is my favorite thing about the game.

As a scorekeep---well that is just pure fun! I love to sit up in the tower and watch. It is so relaxing to watch. I laugh when mistakes are made, I "oooo" when good hits happen or the ESNP catch that was made. No stress of winning, making the right call, or making sure I always set a good example. Just to sit an enjoy a love for a game.

One game, many views on it. I am learning it is same in life. The way I view something can change, so then the way I deal with that thing will also change. My prayer in life is to view people as Jesus does. To love those who make it hard to love. To remember we all have dropped the ball and want a "do-over". To know sometimes I just have to jump out of the way. To rejoice in the moments we make the hit and are safe at 1st. To stop and just watch, remembering there are times in life you just have to laugh.

We have but one life---with many views. So when things are at their worst for you, stop and ask yourself----Can I change the view? I know when I do I am always amazed at what I see.

Measuring Up....

Everyone measures themselves up to something or someone. We measure our spoues, our children, our jobs, our loves, almost every part of our lives we measure in some way. We hold standards and try to meet those standards. We base so much on what others think about us in some way. Now, you may be reading this and saying to yourself...."Not me. I don't care what someone thinks about me". I have said that myself many times. Let's be honest....what do we do when someone says great things about us....do we walk a little taller when we hear those words? Do those words make us feel better about ourselves? If we don't really care what people think why do those words bring such joy to us? Truth is, we all care what some people think on some kind of level.

I have been in a battle lately about knowing who I am in Christ. A battle of not letting words(positive or negative)define who I am. A battle of measuring myself to someone that may have more knowledge than myself in an area of life. I am in a battle of not measuring my marriage up to others or to what I think it should be. I am in a battle to not put life in a box of do's and dont's. Battles that somedays I win and somedays I lose. A battle that I'm not really sure will ever end or be won. Lately, I had to tell myself a lot "It is what it is" and "God has a good plan for me" and "God knows my heart and at the end of the day that is all that really matters".

My goal in life is to love freely as Christ loves, to be honest as I live everyday, to trust in the Lord in every way of my life, to be real with everyone in my life, to serve those God has put in my life, to be free in Christ, to live in God's grace, and not to measure myself to anything but God's word.

We all measure......what are you measuring your life up to?

Trusting In God

Dictionary.com defines trust as reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence: confident expectation of something; hope: a person on whom or thing on which one relies.

We all have trust in something or someone. We trust that our mates will love and honor us. We trust our friends will be our friends. We trust our cars to get us where we want to go. We trust that we will be paid for the job we do. We trust that the light will come on when we flip the switch. TRUST--a word we use very loosely and very deeply. It is something that on some level of life we use everyday and don't even think about. Like Nike we Just Do It.

So how do we get so confused when we put it to God? How do we get so lost? How come we don't know HOW to trust in God? We didn't give it one thought when we went to flip the light switch. We were confident the light would come on. We relied on it to see what we were walking into and our ability was there to flip the switch. So where does it get hard when we add the God factor to it?

I have been asked more than once "How do you just trust God?" To which each time I replied--"You just do." Not the best answer I know but I didn't have the words to explain. The more I think about it, the more I come back to believing in the fact that God really does LOVE me. Every time I think of 'trust in God', I think of love. God loved me enough to give His son to die for my sins; my sins yesterday, my sins today and my sins tomorrow. How could I doubt such a loving God not to trust in HIM?

So what does it mean to 'Trust in God'? There are times I think it is as simple as flipping the light switch and there are other times I think it is as deep as trusting our mates or friends. The only difference is that God will NEVER fail us. There will be times we do it with no thought at all and there will be times we will have to say to ourselves Proverds3:5&6--Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. That is where I always come back to love. If I know that HE LOVES me then I have to trust that HE has a good plan for me(Jer.29:11). If I know HE has a good plan for me and I know that I have called on HIM and came to HIM and prayed to HIM(Jer.29:12), then I will find HIM. Trust has to be there in it all. Trust is not some words you just say---like--"Just Give It All to God" , "Let Go and Let God", "Jesus Take The Wheel", "Give God Control". Trust is not in watching how other Christains deal in their day to day lives. Trust is reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, confidence, hope in a God that loves us enough to give us HIS son on a cross so that we can have a new life in HIM.

I don't think there is any easy answer in the question "How do you just trust God?" I think it is in learning everyday in God's word and God's love. When you seek HIM you will find HIM! That is HIS promise to us.