Control

For much of my life I have done my best to stay in control of myself. There are only a couple of times I have not been in control of 'me' that I can remember. Those couple of times I did not view them as good things that happened.
Only once, that I can remember, have I been so mad I saw red. The anger I felt that day scared me. Anger overwhelmed me and I felt out of control. At one point I really thought I could have killed the person I was angry at. I realized that day I never wanted to be this angry and out of control again.
I can't ever remember crying out of control. Crying meant weakness to me and weakness meant I could be hurt. I have only been drunk 3 times in my life but even then I was not so far gone that I didn't have some kind of control of what I was doing or saying.
Not that I could control what happened to me, just in control of how I reacted to what happened. Being in control of 'Paula' has always felt safe; being out of control felt unsafe, uneasy, bad, and scary. So I built a wall, you could say, around my heart. I kept things and people an arm's reach away. I didn't always show my pains or hurts to avoid that 'out of control' feeling.
With all that said I am happy to report on Dec. 28th I lost my mind!!! I had taken all I could take! Years of keeping control, years of hiding my heart, years of holding my tears went right out the door. I cried, I screamed, I hollered, I cussed, I let it ALL go! I even shocked myself and I'm sure I shocked the person with me. It was almost like I was having an out of body moment. I knew I was the one doing all this and yet I couldn't believe it was me. I had lost control and it felt GREAT and scary all at the same time. That night I started to pray but all I could do was cry. I cried like I have never cried before. I tried to stop but I couldn't. It felt so freeing to let the tears go. To let it all out; the anger, the words, the tears, the pain. Oddly, it felt so lively, so real, so wow!
I am also happy to report that even at the time and the next day things seemed different, nothing BAD happened. For the first time being out of control was not bad in my mind. There are times when you just have to let it all out...........and let God pick up the pieces. Through that whole thing I could feel my Papa holding me, telling me to let it all go. He even sent my friend to call me the next day so she could help me get every bit of it out. (By the way, if you are reading this.....THANK U!) God showed me so much that day and the days following and I wish I had words to explain it all but I'm not sure I do. I'm not even sure why I am writing this but someone out there needs to know..........It's ok to lose control........maybe that someone is you.......maybe that someone is me.