So Long

It has been so long since I have blogged about anything. So much has happened to say where do I start? I have went back and read my blogs and now I wonder why do I leave the "resting place" God wants me to live in....Why do I stop seeking Him? Why do I stop trusting Him with my hurt and pain? Why do I feel like I'm never going to get things right? I hate this feeling more than anything in life....What happened to the freedom I once lived in....why would I walk away from that?? I'm feeling alittle lost these days....My heart hurts today and I need you Jesus....

God Restores

You know much has happened in a year. Even more has happened since I have gone back to my Father's house. I can say I have never be so amazed in all of my life. Somedays I cannot wrap my mind around it. I am so amazed at how God will restore our hearts, our marriages, our families, and our friendships when we allow HIM to.

His love amazes me. All the hugs He gives when I need them most. The jokes we share because He understands my sense of humor. He amazes me in the way He restores things that have been broke for a long time. He restores things that are only cracked. He restores things that are ripped. He restores what has been brused. It really amazes me. He is patching the crack, the bruse is healed, the broken is being fixed and I have faith the rip will be fixed also.

I have so many things turning inside I cannot even find the words to express it. All I can say is I am so AMAZED. I cannot praise HIM enough for all He has already restored to me. I do not have an understanding for everything and I have learned that is ok. I just stand in the amazement of it all. Taking it in a little at a time. Trusting that all things will be restored as He has promised.
The song by Aaron Shust in My Savior My God speak loud to my heart. I thought I would put them on here for you to read.....I am so amazed...

My Savior My God

I am not skilled to understand
What God has willed, what God has planned
I only know at His right hand
Stands One who is my Savior
I take Him at his word and deed
Christ died to save me this I read
And in my heart I find a need
For Him to be my Savior
That He would leave His place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You count it strange, but once did I
Before I knew my Savior
My Savior loves, my Savior lives
My Savior's always there for me
My God He was, my God He is
My God He's always gonna be

Whatever You're Doing

Psalm 103:1-5
1 Let all that I am praise the Lord;
with my whole heart, I will praise his holy name.
2 Let all that I am praise the Lord;
may I never forget the good things he does for me.
3 He forgives all my sins
and heals all my diseases.
4 He redeems me from death
and crowns me with love and tender mercies.
5 He fills my life with good things.
My youth is renewed like the eagle’s!


In spending some time with the Lord this morning He gave me this verse. What joy it brings to my heart. I have realized lately when I feel like I have nothing left, I always have my praise for GOD. For I will praise Him when I'm on the mountain and I will praise Him in the valley! It is Him who forgives and makes what was broken in my life whole again. He is my healer. He is my redeemer and it is because of Him I can love.

I know that through all the things that has gone on lately God is in them. Everytime I have asked to see Him in this--He has shown me. It has come in the form of a text, it has come in an e-mail from an aunt, it has come in a comment on FB, it has come from a call from my sister, it has come in a word from someone at church, it has come in hugs, it has come from my husband, it has come from my dad, it has come from a friend and it has come from HIS WORD. God is so very, very GOOD to me! I cannot help but to sing HIS praise. To lift HIM high for the world to see! To sing my praise of whatever you're doing inside of me.......it is something HEAVENLY!!! My healing has begun...the wrong will be made right...I have face up to it....I have cleaned house...shed some tears...faced fears...and I know he is doing something bigger than me here! Thank you LORD for my life is in you......

Please read the lyrics to this from Sanctus Real----I totally get them and here is where I live at the moment......I cannot say it enough.....GOD is so GOOD!!!!


Whatever You're Doing (Something Heavenly) lyrics

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

[Chorus]
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

[Chorus]

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out

Freedom.....

I recently took a trip to my home town in Florida. Lately going home has been such a blessing to me. It restores my heart every time I go. This was the first time I went without my kids, other than when Mary died and that was not a good trip. As I was there I got to thinking about being free......what that really means to Paula. For the first time in my life I am understanding freedom in more and more ways. See, on this trip I was 'free' from having to be mom, just to be able to enjoy the beach, my home church, and my friends there. I was free to enjoy the place that has so many memories, both good and bad, and not think about anything but that moment in time. I didn't dread coming, like in the past, because this time I didn't dread leaving. I just enjoyed being.


God has shown me what freedom is lately. Showing me little by little what being free in Him means. Being free means to me----that is OK to tell the world I was a victim of a child molester. Free from the hurt, free from the guilt, free from the anger, and free from all the lies an act like that tells you all your life. I am free to talk about it with my head held high knowing what Satan meant to kill me with, God has saved me from and will use for GOOD! God has taught me I will never fit into some one's box. I am free to rest in HIM, to love through HIM, to cry on HIM, to laugh with HIM, to be different because of HIM, to be blessed by HIM, to play with HIM, and to put my hands in the air and surrender all to HIM! I am free to make mistakes, free to say I'm sorry, free to try again, free to fail at something, free to get back up again, free to say I don't understand, free to cry, free to laugh, free to smile, free to love and free to hurt. I am free.....because John 8:36 says "So if the Son has set you free, you will be free indeed." !!! Jesus has set me free and when I trust in HIM, He shows me more freedom. Freedom---not to do what I want to do----but freedom----to be all HE wants me to be----freedom----to have all HE died to give me----you see freedom is not free but the price has been paid for you and me.


I thank you, Lord for the freedom I understand and the freedom that is yet to come.......

The Climb

I was asked not long ago what I wanted to of life. A big question I thought to have to try and answer on the spot like that. I have really been thinking alot about that lately. What do I really want?? I have most of everything I want minus my beach house. I have a husband that loves me dearly, children that are my heart and are good kids, a dog that give me lots of love, a mom that has been there anytime I need her and taught me so much,a brother and sisters that always have my back. Some life time friends that I know will always be there no matter how much time goes by, some friends for the now that make things fun as I go through, I have a house to live in, a car to drive, clothes to wear, bills I can pay, and most of all a GOD that loves me more than I will ever know. So what more can I want in life?


I think it is time I enjoy the climb of life and not just being on the other side. I have realized that if I don't enjoy the climb how do I know to enjoy the other side of it. Everyday is a new day. With new things in it. There is 'a time' for everything and for me it is time to enjoy the climb.




THE CLIMB


I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Somebody's gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa

Time

Passage Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
Ecclesiastes 3
A Time for Everything

1 For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. 2 A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest. 3 A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to build up. 4 A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance. 5 A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. A time to embrace and a time to turn away. 6 A time to search and a time to quit searching. A time to keep and a time to throw away. 7 A time to tear and a time to mend. A time to be quiet and a time to speak. 8 A time to love and a time to hate. A time for war and a time for peace.




The Bible says for everything there is a 'time'. I have just been amazed lately in how fast time can change. One minute I'm cheering at a baseball game-----the next trying to be strong for my mom who is telling me she has cancer. One minute I'm sitting at my computer-----the next going to the hospital for a friend that is having emergency surgery. One minute I'm getting students ready to leave lunch-----the next we are sitting in the hallways in our tornado position. There has been so much lately to make me stop and say "WOW".

I have also stopped and asked myself lately"What have I done with my time?" It is a big question to answer. Some I like and some I don't. There is a time for eveything----What am I doing with mine????

Wade in the Water

I always thought to 'wade' in the water meant that you were in the water, not really doing anything there, just in it. After looking up the word 'wade'; I found it means---to walk in water, when partially immersed or to pass through or to go or proceed. However, never did it says stop.

I woke up a couple of weeks ago singing "Wade in the Water". I went to work singing it that day. I could not get it out of my head. I only know one part of that song, so that is the part that played over and over. I cannot tell you how it brought me comfort that day and I didn't even fully understand why.

Through the years I have had this recurring dream about waves. In the first dream, I can see the huge waves coming. As they get closer I feel fear kick-in because I have never seen waves this big before. I sit on the sand dune and watch-----I cannot move nor can I take my eyes off the wave. It is not the fear that stops me from moving but the beauty in the wave. For in this wave I can see so much. I can see sea turtles, fish, whales, and many other things you only find in the ocean. As the wave gets closer I cannot see the beauty as much as now I feel the need to make a choice to run away or stay. A peace comes over me as I hear the words 'This wave will not over take you.' So in that....I choose to stay. As I sit on this sand dune and the waves get closer, I am so amazed at the sight of it all that I almost don't even notice the man that now sits beside me. He starts telling me something about the waves but the only thing I can hear or remember is that HE said ' They will not harm me'. So we sit and watch. At some point the waves get so close that I can feel the water spray on my face as the wave drops in front of me. At some point I want to get up and move back but my friend holds my hand and tells me again it will be ok. There is comfort in his words so I take my place in the sand next to him, still holding his hand. We sit there talking and watching the waves. There is peace with this man. I wish when I woke up I could remember what we were talking about but I don't. That dream was the first of my 'wave' dreams. It happened many years ago and at a time I did not walk with Jesus but I did know him. I do believe Jesus was my friend on the beach. I didn't understand that dream however, it has always stayed with me. Even after the other dreams came. I can still close my eyes and think back to all of them and remember most of every detail of the dreams.

What they all mean I still don't know but I do know is that I am thinking about them more and more these days. I am finding comfort in these dreams. To think that even when I was away from God.....He was there with me.....telling me what was to come.....letting me know that 'we' would make it through.

So Lord as I wade through the water.......I thank you for showing me that you are still there holding my hand. Isa 43:2 says "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the the rivers, they will not sweep over you."

Do Good

I will be the first to tell you I am an over the top kind of person. There are not many things I do on the low key. I am loud, straight forward, and at times to quick to jump. I am slow to anger when it comes to things you do to me. I am more out to jump when my family or friends are attacked or hurt. I am sure of who I am and what is in my heart. I do not feel I need to prove myself to anyone or I do not feel the need to defend myself. I do have a heart and it does hurt from time to time. I do not show or share that with everyone-----so if you have seen it you are one of the few. That has been something I have been working on over the last year.



God says to wait on HIM. He has been telling me to rest in HIM. That HE will have to last word. I have done all I can do to keep quite about the whole lot of this stuff except for two people I vent to. One of which I just got the phone with (and I really hate it when you are right). I know what need to do. Why I don't do those things is beyond me. I reckon I now understand Paul in--'Romans 7:15 I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate.' Not that I have done anything yet but I feel it there and am trying my best to die to the flesh. I feel like I'm in a whirlwind sometimes. I have to lose control of myself and let God but that is about the scariest thing to me----to not have control of myself. Now this is were my trust and faith lay-----if I trust God loves me----then HE will work it out for good. So, do I trust enough to let God have total control?


Galatians 6:9And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. This screams to me but to very honest I am so tired. I want it all just to go away. I am tired of doing good, tired of hurting, and tired of seeing the hurt in others. I'm tired of trying to get understanding of what my mind just cannot grab. I'm ready to walk on and let the wound heal with no more salt being dumped in. I was told 'Florida was not the answer'. I know in many ways this is right but it is also the one place I feel truly loved for who and what I am. It is the one place where I feel the closest to God. I guess that is why it is my answer---I want to run home.


I know, Lord------This to shall pass but I really need to see a little of you in it all.

Stop the World...I Need Off

Somedays I just feel like I need the world to stop so I can get off. So much has happened in the last couple of month that it kinda has my head spinning. Somedays I want to cry, somedays yell, somedays hit something or better yet someone, and somedays just run away. I remember Lindy use to say " Could you just stop the world, so I can get off for awhile." I now understand totally what she meant by that.
I got a message from God today. He wants me to know "Just rest for a moment. It's OK. Yes, things are crazy, yes, the world is going nuts. Yet, deep underneath the stormy waves, there, in the core of your being, there is pure silence, pure love. And ... it's ... just ... OK." How do we just rest in HIM??? I think that is what I am doing but not always sure. To rest in HIM......I need to rest............

A Time

John 8:36 " So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed." I cannot tell you the joy that brings to my soul!! To be free from the hurt. To not carry the pain. To stop all the questions of "what if "? To be free to love and be loved. How great it is!! Over the last year and a half I have many moments of freedom. I was sharing this yesterday with a friend I haven't talk to in awhile. As I shared the joy jumped all over me and I just about ran the house. It was great.

Don't get me wrong-----I have had many tears too. For me, that in itself is a big deal but in the end I WIN with Jesus! I hold on to that it me hard times. There is a time for everything ( Ecc. 3:2-8)-----sometimes we have to live in that time and let our friends live in it-----whatever that time maybe. I have learned not to question 'why this time is here' and just live in the time. To feel the joy , we have to feel the sadness. To feel the love we have to feel the pain. To have the laugh, we have to wipe the tears.

So whatever time you may be in hold on to the Love of God and know this too shall pass.

Lifted My Soul

Have you ever been punched in the gut so hard it takes your breathe away?A couple of months ago I was hit. It took my breathe away. It was a hard hit. As soon as I felt my breathe coming back I was hit again. I had lost my joy and couldn't seem to get it back. I just wanted to breath again. God told me a couple of weeks ago " it is done ". I thought "cool, tomorrow I will wake up and I'll have joy again!" It didn't work that way. I have learned that I had to do the right thing even if I didn't feel like it. I had to forgive and be forgiven. I have to seek HIM in all things. Through this all I haven't spent much time seeking HIM. I have prayed for the one that threw the punch but that is about all.
Today I went to church. It is Easter Sunday so I knew things would be different and the place would be packed. I almost didn't go. As I sat there and watched everyone file in, God told me to look to the right. There she was---my God-given sister. She was late and God sat her right on the front row. I thought----she looks nice today and I sure miss her. As the service went on God started to deal with my heart. Actully it start sometime in the middle of the night because I woke up with her on my mind. HE told me, 'I need to ask her for her forgiveness', 'tell her you are sorry', 'tell her you love her and she will always be your sister'. Well my first thought was ' I need her forgiveness!' 'No Lord, I think not.' HE would not leave it alone. HE was all over me. I was shaking inside and out. I didn't want to say those things and to go over there I would have to walk across the front of the church with I have no idea how many people watching. Pastor was talking about something and then there was going to be another song. I told God I can't go with Pastor talking; God said when they start singing-----YOU GO.
The song started-----I got up----started walking----I almost ran. God helped me get the words out. Before I left my seat I felt the healing begin. I asked her to forgive me. I told her 'I loved her and she always be my sister.' I held on to her and cried. I didn't want to let her go but I knew I had to. As I walked back to my seat I knew I was SET FREE and my JOY was back!!
I don't know what God has in store for us but HE knows! I don't know where HE will lead me. I don't know if I will feel sad anymore about this all but I know the ONE who does know! He has a plan---Jer.29:11-14 and it is all good----Romans 8:28!!!

Shells

I was walking on the beach yesterday with my favorite girl and her friend. A storm had come through the day before so we went looking for some shells. Storms will usually blow shells on the shore. The kids thought all the shells were beautiful------it didn't matter if they were broken or not whole-----they were happy to find such a treasure. Me on the other hand-----I was looking for the whole shells. I grew up on the beach and had seen it all before. I had lost the ability in seeing the beauty in the broken. At that moment God spoke to my heart------He said "Look at these shells. They are like MY children. Some are small, some are large, some look young and some were old, all are different in size and color, some are whole and some are broken but ALL are BEAUTIFUL in MY eyes." As I walked, and watch the kids getting happier and happier in each shell they found, God said " Paula you were once a broken shell. Yet, you are beautiful in my sight. When I found you , I was happy in the treasure I had found. I picked you up, brushed off the sand, I said 'I can make this whole again'. I put you in my pocket and took you home with me and Paula that is where your life began." He told me to look at the broken shells---"these are my hurting children---find the beauty in them again, Paula---for in loving them you will be made whole."

Thank you Lord, for the 'broken shells' in my life.